Influences

It is remarkable how much a person sees, does and encounters in a short life span of 90 years.  My mother turned 90 this month and we celebrated with a small dinner at a restaurant she used to frequent throughout the years.  She has shared lots of memories with me over the past several years, most often at our weekly lunches at Baker's Square.  I wonder what happened during her life that led her to the person she is today.  Think of what she has witnessed.  The collapse of the stock market, wars, flu epidemics (one that took her father's life), more wars, fashion good and gone wrong.  She reminds me that she is all that is left of a once large group of friends who went through these things with her.  She has suffered and endured and persisted through challenges that most of us have only read about.  Everyday she gets up and makes sure she fulfills a daily "purpose" because to be lazy and do nothing would be appalling.  Her upbringing bought her a work ethic unlike any I've seen, a skepticism towards the world, a glass is half empty view on life.  She deplores waste and generations of people she believes are spoiled.  Some might say she is bitter.

I haven't gone through nearly half of what she did and I have not adopted her views on life, although I greatly respect her and what she has accomplished with what she was given.  She has greatly influenced my life in ways no amount of reading or education could have, simply with her demonstrated resilience and pride.  She always said she would scrub floors if she had to in order to feed her children, before any outside assistance would be requested.  One might conclude she made her life harder because of that, but I believe it made her strong. She has helped me develop resilience through her example and that resilience has served me well.  Things don't always go as expected or turn out as we hoped, but always there is a lesson to be learned and applied. The tide turns eventually and a new door opens. If we are resilient we can be ready for the next new adventure.

I have been thinking about the people who have influenced my life.  Some did so through positive reinforcement, providing me with opportunities to succeed or fail.  Some were behind the scenes supporting me, encouraging me to go for it.  Some have made me believe anything is possible through faith and prayer.  But there are those people who doubted and discouraged me, who judged or tried to limit me.  One might think I would resent or be bitter about those people but the truth of the matter is they helped me too.  Rather than believe what they were saying, it inspired me to try harder and do better to prove them wrong.  Granted it takes a lot more energy to convince someone you are worthy than to simply be accepted or encouraged for who you are, but even our enemies can propel us forward if we allow ourselves to be inspired rather than defeated by them.

So today I thank God for all of the people in my life who influenced who I am today and my He bless each and everyone of them.

First we rip it apart, then build it back up

One might ask how deciding to demolish and remodel my 2nd bathroom is going to help me find my next career.  Seems like it might be a convenient distraction and it will postpone the need to figure things out at least this week and the couple that follow.  It is remarkable how much I find to do that provides a distraction. But, I take comfort in knowing that I am learning new things, trying new skills and finding passion in what I am doing again, even if it isn't making me a salary.  I guess doing the demo provides a suitable analogy for what I am doing in this career transition.  I have to take it all down to the studs again, start fresh and figure out what new looks like.  I have a vision, but no real plan for my career or the bathroom.  It is going to be painstakingly slow getting the foundation ready.  I have to fix infrastructure, find new fixtures, pick out the right stuff, teach myself how to do it.  Just like leaving my job, I was a little scared starting this project knowing it wasn't going to be a simple task.   So maybe it is not so much a distraction as it is an opportunity to expand my horizon, dig deep and find out what I can do.  In just one day I took my bathroom apart, heck I think I can continue the inward journey and figure out what is next for me. 

I started writing about my past last night.  It is kind of revealing to take it apart and examine what it felt like.  I recalled things I hadn't in a long time and I actually kind of understood myself a little more having thought about those early influences.  It is such a baby step but I'm still moving ahead.  Life is so sweet and I value the time to do this.  I'm so grateful for the support of family and friends.  It does make the journey a little easier and I feel a little less guilty (but only a little).  Sigh.

Revelation

I am reading Jane Fonda's book, My Life So Far.  I ordered it after hearing her speak about it and her live evaluation.  She did a sort of "look back" at her life but more than just recalling memories, she recalled how she felt at the time and through this process she came to better understand what happened to her.  It isn't easy to do that.  Memories are easier to recall than how one felt.  As part of my next chapter, I think it will be important to understand my life, my memories, how I felt and how it influences my choices yet today.  It is a journey after all, not a destination.

So now what?

After 20 years, no make that 30 plus of corporate life, I am sitting on the threshold of a new career.  There was no question that I was ready to make the leap, but the real question was to do what?  I do know this sounds irresponsible but I left a nice paycheck and a job I was comfortable doing to "figure out" what I want to do next.  I picked up a book and it just so happened (as is often the case) to be exactly what I needed.  The book is called "This Time I will Dance" and that has become my inspiration....to dance again.

There are those who will tell you the corporate world has a way of draining the life from your soul....sometimes so slowly that you don't notice it and then one day you sit at your desk, doing whatever it is you do and you realize that you've been on auto pilot and then you face the ugly truth.  I don't really like doing this any more but I have no clue what else I'm good at. Then that thought festers and eats at you until, like me, one day you just have to say "enough".

There were a series of what I call fortunate events that led me to make the leap.  As has often been the case in my life, there are no coincidences.  Things happen, and although I don't always understand the reasons in the moment, later I am always struck by how everything that happened led me to something better.

I have been experimenting with possible next chapters.  It is both exciting and scarey.  I am convinced that whatever I land on, I will find a way to dance again.  Oh the joy!