The Great Debut!

I sold my first piece of jewelry at my debut in the city and courthouse I began my law career 22 years ago but this time at a craft fair rather than a courtroom.  It could have been non-eventful...my first sale.  But my life is filled with eventful..  It could have been just anyone and I might not have been there to witness it had it been earlier or later by only an hour.  Heather was my first customer's name and as I shyly told her about the jewelry I make and why it was accompanied by an inspirational writing, she became overjoyed.  She shared with me that she was going through a divorce, a rough patch and the "I am Resilient" piece spoke to her.  As we read the words I had written, she seemed genuinely delighted in the message and said the words were exactly what she needed to hear.  She showered me with compliments on the jewelry and writing as she put the piece on.  She left wearing it after we exchanged hugs. She left me with the words "God Bless You.  It was a moment I will never forget because in that moment I felt the touch of God's hand in the whole encounter.  I think I was as emotional as Heather.  My dearest friend and cohort in the craft fair and I did our "happy dance", not because I sold a piece necessarily, but that my first piece had such an impact on someone.  It was all I hoped for and I could not have scripted it as good as God did.  I think at that moment I felt confident that I was heading in the right direction. I was beginning to wonder whether these pieces and my writing would be met with skepticism or embraced.  But, I just can't help but think who doesn't spiritual guidance or encouragment these days?  Who doesn't need to be reminded of what is important in a world where we are distracted by so much?  All of my usual crazy doubts were quieted at least for the moment.  How is it that just when I need it, I am graced with a gift like this again and again and a gentle reminder that God has his hand on me always, waiting for me to notice. Amazing.

This piece was inspired by the gift I inherited from my mother.  Things may not always go as planned.  Sometimes life is hard, but no matter what it is important to get back up when knocked down, dust off, handle the situation with grace and dignity and move on, humbled and healed.  It is the essence of resiliency.

People with something to say

It has been a morning full of hearing from people.  A cousin I haven't spoke with in awhile, a dear friend, my husband, writings from a friend I barred my soul with nearly a year ago now during a workshop.  It is an odd assortment of people to be sure.  I can't help but wonder what I am supposed to take away from it.  Each conversation brought something rich and revealing and there was a thread throughout them all that brought me great comfort.  People are seeking to find the richness in their own lives, just like I am.  How fortunate to find that so many are no longer just accepting that the life they have is the only one available.  How wonderful that people are asking important questions about life and admitting they don't know the answer.  It makes me feel connected to something much bigger and it gives me hope.  Underlying the sometimes misguided assumptions about life, there are people still out there searching for a greater truth, seeking a way to make even a small difference and recognizing that happiness does not come from a big paycheck or fancy title.  It comes from things much more tangible like the love of family and friends, the joy of experiencing the simple things like sitting and watching the sunset or laying in a hammock and thinking about the wonderful things in our life.  It feels like there is a resurgence of people recognizing we have complicated our lives behind reason and there is now a burning desire to focus on living versus just surviving.  One of my favorite sayings is "we must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us."  There is peace in that thought and it has allowed me to give in and give up all of my notions about what I SHOULD be and give me the chance to be what I was destined to be.  Still not sure what it is, but I am walking and waiting in faith that it will come to be. 

Can something good come from every challenge?

It has been quite a winter, not just for us Minnesota hardy folks who are used to it, but it seems throughout the United States.  My mother claims this is all the fault of global warming.  She is certain the world going to hell in a hand basket and the harsh weather is a warning for us.  Maybe it is because I don't have to get up every morning, get ready and drive to work, but I honestly haven't minded the winter yet.  Usually by this time I am desperate to find a warm place to escape to.  This year I am finding I notice the beauty of winter more, rather than being frustrated by its side effects like ice covered roads or wind chills that steal your breath away.  It does seem to me that the snowfalls are more beautiful than ever, as evidenced by the picture above.

It reminds me that behind any given challenge, there is something to be valued, appreciated and learned. The past few years and perhaps my age have taught me that going through difficulties doesn't have to mean we either fight or surrender.  Rather I think if we dedicate some time to figuring out what the thing we are dealing with might be trying to show us and realize that it isn't life just picking on us, nor is it the end of the world but perhaps the threshold to something new and wonderful, we might discover that troubles are opportunities to grow up and do it better next time around.  Granted it isn't that easy when one is in the midst of big troubles and sometimes the fight or flight instinct just takes over.  What I have discovered though is that neither of those are very productive options, unless we take the time to understand what happened, what we might have done to bring on the trouble or simply understand what we are supposed to learn from the series of unfortunate events.  I know I will continue to make mistakes and face challenges.  My hope is that I approach them with a new attitude.  Seek the good that comes from it, even if it isn't entirely clear in the moment.  Trust that there is something at work in me that will help me to become a more whole, open-hearted human being.  That is afterall the point of the journey I think.

Time waits for no one

Today I was reminded how quickly our lives pass by and how things that happened years ago that caused me stress and worry now seem like minor annoyances.  They say if only you could know then what you know now....  I remember telling my kids that the concerns of a kid in high school are quickly forgotten once high school is behind you.  Who is popular, what clothes people wear, who said what to who about who, the first heart break, the party you weren't invited to, etc. etc.  None of that will mean much after high school and so it shouldn't make or break you.  It can teach you how to be resilient, how to forgive and move on, how to ensure you can identify true friends over those who need you for a moment and then forget you. 

Looking back as I have been, I recognize that many of the things I fretted about didn't really have a lasting impact on my life and yet there are things I shoved aside that did have a larger influence on who I am today.  It isn't easy to go back to those things especially when I feel peace and contentment now and don't feel the need.  But I can see that before I can move on with my next chapter, I need to tidy up things from the past a bit.  It isn't nearly as frightening or hard as one might think.  I feel a little like I have a white board and slowly I am erasing or cleaning up a bunch of erratic marks and the important things that define me now are beginning to become clearer.

I watched my daughter today as she worked with her kids in her new daycare.  First I am astounded by the woman she has become.  Not that I didn't think she would, but I am a little surprised at how quickly her childhood went by and now here she is a mother herself, taking care of other people's precious gifts.  I feel such pride in my kids.  Even though they are still in that difficult stage of life beginning their families, figuring out what they are good at, juggling financial concerns, I am proud of how they just put their heads down and plow forward trying to do better with each passing year. By far the greatest blessings in my life are my kids and now my grand kids.  I vow each time I see my grand kids that I will cherish each period in their life and be there present to notice everything, to play with them and make sure I give them the best I have to offer.

I read something the other day that said there are no do overs in life and that I am the story teller of my own life.    I can create the legend...or not.  I want to live a legacy, be a legend in my own right.  I better hurry though because I know how fast the first 55 years went.  I can only imagine how quickly the next chapter will pass.

Influences

It is remarkable how much a person sees, does and encounters in a short life span of 90 years.  My mother turned 90 this month and we celebrated with a small dinner at a restaurant she used to frequent throughout the years.  She has shared lots of memories with me over the past several years, most often at our weekly lunches at Baker's Square.  I wonder what happened during her life that led her to the person she is today.  Think of what she has witnessed.  The collapse of the stock market, wars, flu epidemics (one that took her father's life), more wars, fashion good and gone wrong.  She reminds me that she is all that is left of a once large group of friends who went through these things with her.  She has suffered and endured and persisted through challenges that most of us have only read about.  Everyday she gets up and makes sure she fulfills a daily "purpose" because to be lazy and do nothing would be appalling.  Her upbringing bought her a work ethic unlike any I've seen, a skepticism towards the world, a glass is half empty view on life.  She deplores waste and generations of people she believes are spoiled.  Some might say she is bitter.

I haven't gone through nearly half of what she did and I have not adopted her views on life, although I greatly respect her and what she has accomplished with what she was given.  She has greatly influenced my life in ways no amount of reading or education could have, simply with her demonstrated resilience and pride.  She always said she would scrub floors if she had to in order to feed her children, before any outside assistance would be requested.  One might conclude she made her life harder because of that, but I believe it made her strong. She has helped me develop resilience through her example and that resilience has served me well.  Things don't always go as expected or turn out as we hoped, but always there is a lesson to be learned and applied. The tide turns eventually and a new door opens. If we are resilient we can be ready for the next new adventure.

I have been thinking about the people who have influenced my life.  Some did so through positive reinforcement, providing me with opportunities to succeed or fail.  Some were behind the scenes supporting me, encouraging me to go for it.  Some have made me believe anything is possible through faith and prayer.  But there are those people who doubted and discouraged me, who judged or tried to limit me.  One might think I would resent or be bitter about those people but the truth of the matter is they helped me too.  Rather than believe what they were saying, it inspired me to try harder and do better to prove them wrong.  Granted it takes a lot more energy to convince someone you are worthy than to simply be accepted or encouraged for who you are, but even our enemies can propel us forward if we allow ourselves to be inspired rather than defeated by them.

So today I thank God for all of the people in my life who influenced who I am today and my He bless each and everyone of them.

First we rip it apart, then build it back up

One might ask how deciding to demolish and remodel my 2nd bathroom is going to help me find my next career.  Seems like it might be a convenient distraction and it will postpone the need to figure things out at least this week and the couple that follow.  It is remarkable how much I find to do that provides a distraction. But, I take comfort in knowing that I am learning new things, trying new skills and finding passion in what I am doing again, even if it isn't making me a salary.  I guess doing the demo provides a suitable analogy for what I am doing in this career transition.  I have to take it all down to the studs again, start fresh and figure out what new looks like.  I have a vision, but no real plan for my career or the bathroom.  It is going to be painstakingly slow getting the foundation ready.  I have to fix infrastructure, find new fixtures, pick out the right stuff, teach myself how to do it.  Just like leaving my job, I was a little scared starting this project knowing it wasn't going to be a simple task.   So maybe it is not so much a distraction as it is an opportunity to expand my horizon, dig deep and find out what I can do.  In just one day I took my bathroom apart, heck I think I can continue the inward journey and figure out what is next for me. 

I started writing about my past last night.  It is kind of revealing to take it apart and examine what it felt like.  I recalled things I hadn't in a long time and I actually kind of understood myself a little more having thought about those early influences.  It is such a baby step but I'm still moving ahead.  Life is so sweet and I value the time to do this.  I'm so grateful for the support of family and friends.  It does make the journey a little easier and I feel a little less guilty (but only a little).  Sigh.

Revelation

I am reading Jane Fonda's book, My Life So Far.  I ordered it after hearing her speak about it and her live evaluation.  She did a sort of "look back" at her life but more than just recalling memories, she recalled how she felt at the time and through this process she came to better understand what happened to her.  It isn't easy to do that.  Memories are easier to recall than how one felt.  As part of my next chapter, I think it will be important to understand my life, my memories, how I felt and how it influences my choices yet today.  It is a journey after all, not a destination.

So now what?

After 20 years, no make that 30 plus of corporate life, I am sitting on the threshold of a new career.  There was no question that I was ready to make the leap, but the real question was to do what?  I do know this sounds irresponsible but I left a nice paycheck and a job I was comfortable doing to "figure out" what I want to do next.  I picked up a book and it just so happened (as is often the case) to be exactly what I needed.  The book is called "This Time I will Dance" and that has become my inspiration....to dance again.

There are those who will tell you the corporate world has a way of draining the life from your soul....sometimes so slowly that you don't notice it and then one day you sit at your desk, doing whatever it is you do and you realize that you've been on auto pilot and then you face the ugly truth.  I don't really like doing this any more but I have no clue what else I'm good at. Then that thought festers and eats at you until, like me, one day you just have to say "enough".

There were a series of what I call fortunate events that led me to make the leap.  As has often been the case in my life, there are no coincidences.  Things happen, and although I don't always understand the reasons in the moment, later I am always struck by how everything that happened led me to something better.

I have been experimenting with possible next chapters.  It is both exciting and scarey.  I am convinced that whatever I land on, I will find a way to dance again.  Oh the joy!