Quiet Time

The holiday rush is through, a New Year has begun.  Like many others I am thinking about my hopes and dreams for this new year.  I don't mean lose the usual 10 pounds and eat healthier.  I am talking about living with more purpose and joy.  And the purpose I am thinking of is really nothing more than noticing things, taking chances, being grateful, moving forward, letting go of old tapes and files and former lives, learning to value things less and people more.  I want to use my time more productively.  I don't mean pack more into my days or fill my days with meaningless or distracting tasks.  I want to approach my days with an openness,  allowing myself time and permission to learn and experience new things.  This isn't easy for someone used to creating and checking off lists of tasks, grading myself based on how many things were checked off the list. It isn't easy for me to sit down and simply start to do something without the slightest clue of where it might lead.  It is also hard to let go of something that doesn't fit or feel right.  I'm always much more inclined to stick with it and make it work.  I want to give myself permission to fail at things and not feel badly about it.  If anything I should fail if I take the chances I would like to.  Again, it is is easier for me to take less risk and succeed than to go all out with a riskier proposition. I want to return to the girl who was never afraid of risk and instead took it on knowing failure might be the result.  Somewhere along the way I lost a little of that.

And Joy; it has become my favorite emotion.  Joy lights up my soul, opens my heart and allows my life to flow through me to those around me. Joy is contagious.  One of the gifts from the past year is the continued discovery that my joy comes from such simple things; things which might go unnoticed if I wasn't paying attention. Like the unplanned dance that took place with my beautiful daughter and grandchildren at the end of Christmas day or the gigglefest with my granddaughter and grandson; or the joy of staring into the sparkling and mischievous eyes of my grandson.  There was the quiet joy I felt as I spent the evening preparing and eating a feast with my husband, good friends and relatives as we celebrated New Year's eve.  There should be a way to discover joy in something everyday.  That is my goal...to seek and experience things which bring me joy.

I want to continue my switch from "mission mode" to "journey mode".  There is a new recognition of the finite time I have left.  Not just in terms of years, because of course no one knows for sure when life as we know it here will end.  No the finite time I speak of is more in terms of growing in spirit and wisdom. I don't want to waste another moment worrying about meaningless things.  It pains me when I consider the time I've wasted concerned about what this or that person thought of me, whether I was good enough at whatever I was doing be it mothering, working, being a friend, daughter.  The truth is I will be great at some things, good at others and there will be things I am not well suited for, just like every other person I know.  There is a peace that comes from letting go of the need for perfection.  In journey mode my goal will be to have genuine conversations, to listen to what people say, not so much with the need to fix problems or relate my own experience, but to simply be present and listen.  There is peace in that as well; knowing my job isn't to fix everyone or compete.   

There will be other goals too I am sure that pop up as I travel through 2012.  For now, these seem like a good place to begin.  I am grateful this day for the love of those around me, for quiet times, for freedom, for the opportunity to explore and learn new things.  I am grateful to God for his plans for me, for the blessings, patience and compassion he continues to shower me with despite my shortcomings. I am admittedly a work in progress.

Here is to a great New Year.